


For Precious Friends Hid In Death's Dateless Night

by merlins_sister



Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, bereavement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-10
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2018-01-01 01:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1038819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grief and loss doesn’t define their friendship. Hope and love does. AU Coda to Wild Rover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Precious Friends Hid In Death's Dateless Night

**Author's Note:**

> Prequel to Five Moments Beckett and Ryan Chose to Ignore and Perfect Timing. As such references made to non-canon loss of Jenny.

He had got half way through the movie before Kevin felt his control start to waiver. He knew he had gone to Kate, proffering an old 60s horror movie as an excuse, to find the sanctuary her apartment gave him. He had hoped that sense of peace and safety would be enough to soothe the raw wounds pulsating inside of him. But it seemed he was mistaken, like so many things recently. Seeing Siobhan again after all this time…he would never have expected it to hurt so much. He had told himself when he’d left her, obeying orders to get out before his cover was blown, that she would be better off without him there, the risks to her high if the Irish mob had ever found out that she had been cavorting with a cop. He had done it as much for her as for the job. 

It seemed he had been lying to himself.

Instead of the safety he had hoped for she had got in even deeper, just to survive. What he had done now was the least he could have…should have done. This pain he was feeling was only right. He deserved it.

Guilt at not being there before, grief at another lost from his life. 

He tried to ignore the tear that ran down his cheek, not moving, hoping that would ensure that Kate didn’t see his weakness in the low light of the TV, distracted as she was by the melodramatic vampires and heroines. But the ludicrous story proved less distraction for him, and more emotive than its producers would have ever planned, his emotions starting to well, threatening to get beyond his control. 

He pulled himself more upright, coughing to cover the slight hitch in his breath. Kate glanced at him, but quickly turned back to the screen. He felt a strange mix of anger and relief. He didn’t want to cry in front of her, didn’t want to need her as well as her apartment. 

Didn’t want to let another woman in his life down by dragging her into his emotional maelstrom.

But another cough from him brought her attention back to him more fully, her eyes widening as she realised what was going on.

“Kev?” she asked softly.

What can he answer? How can he express the pain and guilt that he lives with for one lost love? And now for another, someone he wasn’t meant to love, but had. Someone he had thought he had put behind him a long time ago.

It’s Kate’s hand on his that sends him over the edge, the contact too kind, too caring for what he had done.

He abandoned her.

He should have been there to protect her.

The tears flowed freely now, and he leant in to Kate as she pulled him tight to her. She uttered no words of comfort, which he is grateful for. She knows of all people that there can be none at the moment. He allowed himself to fall into her embrace and to cry out his guilt and grief again, with no idea who he is crying for anymore. 

When he pulled back after an indeterminate time, Kate moved slightly, pulling tissues over, handing them to Kevin, who is aware through his now awkward sense of release that she too is flushed with emotion. He looked up to find her eyes shining, and his own sense of pain is put to one side in his concern.

“Kate?”

She half smiled as she explained, “It’s hard to see you so upset.”

His face must have contracted in guilt as she is quick to reach out her hand on his, saying, “But I’m glad you feel okay to do that here.”

“Not sure I could have stopped myself,” Kevin said with honesty and as much self deprecation as he can manage. He is glad she understands, but feels that sinking inside of him again that goes with the belief that Kate thinks she has to take care of him. That she wouldn’t turn to him in the way she does Castle or Esposito, despite the intimacy of their discussions away from the precinct, tucked away in her apartment. Despite the confession from Kate once that she has told him things she has only told her therapist. Because she looks at him in a way that he can’t define, just like she does now, and he knows she would do anything to take away his pain rather than burden him with her own.

She doesn’t seem to understand that it would never be a burden to him.

Kevin pulled himself up straighter, coughing to clear the emotion from his throat again. “At least this time I got to say goodbye,” he managed.

And Kevin knows she understands that he isn’t certain who he is talking about.

“I’m glad,” Kate said, her hand tightening over his, her smile warm.

Kevin shifted awkwardly at the affection and understanding in her tone, even though knowing she understood helps in ways he doesn’t really get. He shifted again as he said, “Sorry for dumping this on you.”

“You’re not ‘dumping’ anything,” Kate replied firmly. “I’m really am glad you feel safe enough to talk to me, to let me know how you’re feeling.” Her head dipped slightly as she continued, “I know the importance of leaning on people, and the price if you don’t let others help you. I don’t want…” She glanced up before managing to finish, “I don’t want you to go through what I put myself through.”

And that’s the thing, Kevin knows. Kate has been trying to guide him since Jenny’s death, to help him avoid the same pitfalls caused by that most intense of grief they had a shared experience of. Or as she had jokingly said once, “Do as I say, not as I did.” He knows it helps her to think that her experiences might not be wasted, but that doesn’t stop the sense that she only considers this support a one way street. And he isn’t sure what to do to make sure that it isn’t, or what he can do that is different from the others. Kate was the strongest, most independent woman he knew, and considering his family that was saying something. But he also knew there was a deep core of vulnerability, scars of her loss mixing with a need to not let society’s expectations of her in too close. How did he let her know that he would help, in any way that he could, that he just didn’t know what that might be?

He took a deep breath before managing, “Kate, you will tell me…if there is anything I can ever do for you…” 

He faded off as Kate flashed a brilliant, if embarrassed smile at him. “I would do…” she started.

“Kate…” Kevin interjected quickly. “Please, you can ask anything of me.”

Kate raised an eyebrow at the interruption which Kevin knew was a sign to quiet his protests.

“I was going to say, that I would do, but you already help me so much.”

Kevin knew he must have looked puzzled because Kate continued with a slight gasp of surprise, “And you have no idea that you do.” She shook her head, a beat before she explained, “Well, shall we start with catching me as I fell off the side of a building through to encouraging me to mend my friendship with Castle, watching stupid movies with me to keeping me safe, even if it means making tough calls like speaking to the Captain…” Kate paused as she seemed to gather her thoughts into more coherent instructions. “Just be you, Kevin. Just be the amazing, remarkable man that you are. Keep trying to do the right thing and not let the darkness defeat you.” Her voice softened as she continued, “Because if you can do it, then maybe one day I will too.”

Kevin knew he sounded slightly stunned when all he can manage in response is “Okay.”

Kate nodded, satisfied it seemed that, for the moment, she had managed to get her message across, and that the situation had been dealt with. She reached for the remote, starting the vampires again from their frozen mid flight stance on screen. Her eyes were firmly on the TV again as she commented, “You had better be planning to stay here tonight. I’m not lying here worrying about you.”

Kevin glanced at her, a wry smile taking over from the stunned expression as he replied, “Yes, boss.”

There was a slight harrumph from her at the use of ‘boss’, which made Kevin’s smile spread.

“And you can get breakfast in the morning,” she continued.

“Okay, b…” He stopped mid word, as she turned to look at him, eyebrow raised, mock stern on her face. “Okay,” he managed with a straight face, for the first time in a few days having any interest in smiling for real.

And that’s when he felt it, the sense of peace and comfort he associated with this place. It seemed he had fooled himself again, not allowing himself to recognise that it is Kate as much as this apartment that makes it all manageable. Maybe he should tell her, that she was right… if you let someone in, then it is easier. But as Kate leant in closer, settling after their discussion, he realised that by openly letting her in, now and the many times before, she had found the strength to follow suit. Not just letting him closer, but Castle, Lanie and Esposito…he had already made a difference to her.

“I can’t imagine a life without you,” Kate confessed suddenly, her voice soft and just audible above the soundtrack.

“Not going anywhere,” Kevin replied, his voice showing less surprise at her statement than it would have done a few moments ago, his hand moving to hers this time, a breath of emotion Kate’s response.

Kevin felt he should say something more, something meaningful. But few words came to mind. But he was getting that wasn’t his gift to her. He could do other things.

“Do you want eggs or pancakes in the morning?” he asked, his hand staying where it was.

“Eggs, I think,” Kate replied, her fingers slightly intertwining with his for a moment, before they brushed away.

Kevin smiled to himself. Yes, this he could do. He would take care of her, be there for her, and be a safe place for her. Just like she was for him. 

Together… well, the darkness didn’t stand a chance.


End file.
